Monday, March 30, 2009

Howdy Folks

On the count of abandoning my home town of Blogville for the last couple of weeks I plead guilty as charged.

I have only one word to explain my disappearance and that's WORK.

Question: Why wasn't I born a rich heir who didn't have to work for food? or better still why doesn't somebody put me in charge of a donor funded government programme on development, I'd get fat off the dollars while I let the poor villagers for whom the money is intended to drop further down the food chain.

As I write I am nursing a humongous hangover the effects of last nights happening are still being felt and apart from the ringing in my ears I have failed to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth.

Every time I am in this state I just can't help but be reminded of Petesmama she always ridiculed guys who brag about their binges the following day, as in when with colleagues a dude could go something like "Man we caught from high table swallows were flowing like water, then after that Chris came and drove us to Steakie and we caught and caught peke 2:00 then we shifted to Rouge and caught more pints peke morning............... and so the conversation would go.
And just in case you would like to know, yes I caught peke morning.

Before I am swept away by another tsunami of work I would like to express a great deal of boiling uncontrollable anger at those hairbrained idiots that call themselves the champions of the poor in Malawi. Okay granted Madonna is a bit controversial but she's no psychopath and has already proven to be a good parent, so why oppose her bid to give just one child a shot at a better life away from poverty, hunger and disease?

Shots out....what does that mean anyway? mbu I hear 'shots out'

Any way shots out to you all or is it shouts out? Whatever, I missed Emi, Erique, Mudamuli,Cheri Oh! before I forget Carlo blew me off outside silk obviously she had better people she was rushing to see like Baz and D. Baz I have beef.

Missed Ug girl, Lucy was too busy these past few days she barely noticed me I could have been part of the furniture, missed Chanel, Besilent, Apr9, 31337, B2B and everyone else.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Save our sugar and spice

By the time of writing this her vitals were not good the doctors said she had suffered acute respiratory arrest. that's what Mr. Blogcks does when he comes to visit, he darins all life out of you.

So please lets all help her. My favorite and the most prolific blogger hasn't given us anything for millenia.

Let's help her find it. Lucy take the kitchen, Emi search the lounge, I'll sweep the bedroom ofcourse, Muda come and help me with the closet drawers I might see what am............

Erique search the garage and maybe wash her Jeep while your at it.



Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Oluzungu si lwaffe was my colleagues blithe reply as he waved away any attempts I made to try and correct his mistake in grammar. There are several mistakes that have over the years become so common and widely committed that almost everybody I come into contact with who blatantly murders the English language doesn’t realize the hurt they cause my ears.

I am going to try and list a few of these mistakes most of which I have been hearing since Primo, that’s slang for primary Emi in case you’ve some how forgotten, you Matale old boy. Speaking of slang there are quite a few Kampalan slang words that I find quite interesting and others that just bore me to death for their senselessness, I will in the course of this post try and outline those that shouldn’t have been forged in the first place.

Borrow me 10,000/- :- now this one just makes me want to take a sledgehammer and smash someone to pulp, meanings of simple words like lend and borrow should be easy to grasp, no?

What sauce did you have for lunch? This one I have never come to accept even one bit coz sauce is a paste or some sort of curry and has never been a reference to soup or stew.

B2B is stubborn: - I bet you heard that phrase a lot in school Basix, probably got used to the sound of it too, not me dude, how come the word naughty has never entered our vocabulary? coz stubborn simply means something else altogether.

Been a while since I head this one - How do you make it? : - dude you need to back the fuck up.

Where did you eat your Christmas? : - with the rate at which Easters and Christmases are killed and eaten it’s a wonder we have any left to celebrate and Erique please don’t ask me for your Easter coz I sure as hell don’t keep Easters in my locker.

Banange that’s a good shoe
: - Dear Chanel I have two shoes that collectively are referred to as a pair of shoes thank you very much, same goes for a trouser.

There are plenty of irritating mistakes in English and worthless slang most of which I have banished from my memory but the one kids these days use that just gives me an ulcer is ‘Zibs’ to mean problems or Bizibu. Zibs puts an enormous strain on my teeth and lips it is a whole lot easier to say Bizibu and get it over with.

Shule: - I admit I did accept this one albeit with some reservations, maybe even used it once or twice but I still maintain it should be relegated to that crop of words that need to be decommissioned.

My co-news anchor is particularly fond of using shortforms like ‘mona’ and ‘yesto’, its okay for kids I guess but for a man who is fast approaching 30 I feel embarrassed on his behalf.

GUESS AM OUT or should I say I have

Before I bule her's one I just remembered- 'I just 'chall' the stuff or we just 'challed' sincerely the word is just irritating, twisting words for slangs sake is despicable.

I've bust for real.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN...........sexiest six

Emi started it and Nev followed suit so I will be damned if I just sit by idly while these two honorable gents ogle, wink and whistle at their dream girls while everyone watches.

I too have come up with my own list of irresistible, totally desirable beautiful women that can have any man including yours truly drooling with unrestrained excitement.

Unlike Nev of the Bloom fame my list is in order starting with the one I would kill to sleep with, till the one I would… well also kill to sleep with.

Presenting my most desirable women list.

The cheeks give her that cute girl next door looks but her eyes betray an experienced and skilled lover who can satisfy your every desire.

NO. 1 – Gabrielle Union

I will forever be a sucker for this kind of beautiful, melancholic face.

NO. 2 – Kerry Washington

Her beautiful eyes lure you closer and her sweet lips curl into an irresistible smile that puts you under her spell forever.

NO. 3 - Megan Good

No one has caused such mass desire since Janet Jackson went ‘Nasty’- NUFF SAID.

NO. 4 – Alicia Keys

This one is the kind that would make any man green with envy when you step into the room with her on your arm, she oozes sex from every pore on her body, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the accused is capable of killing your desire for any other woman. Prosecution rests.

NO. 5- Tyra Banks

This damsel’s one mighty fine piece methinks, what say you mate.
Elizabeth Swan is probably the only reason I would be brave enough to step aboard the Flying Dutchman.

NO. 6 – Keira Knightley

Party's over folks! Go home.