Saturday, December 27, 2008

Don't let monkeys ruin your party.

I know I said I don't make new year resolutions but there are certain faults that I must mend if I am to have a prosperous new year as all the christmas cards I have received wish me to. Before I proceed I would live to make it abundantly clear that when I put my mind on doing something I more often that not see it out to its full conclusion(Ask the women). While we are on the subject I would also like to point out if I may that the fulfillment of any goal is based on the firm belief of a positive outcome, any doubts or misgivings will most certainly put paid to your ambitions.

That said you need to have steadfast faith in your abilities to acheive your dream and you must never waver even in the face of great adversity, it's called perseverance and it can be demonstrated by this little fact I learnt from a Chinese bamboo grower.

You take a little seed, plant it, water it, and fertilize it for a whole year, and nothing happens.The second year you water and fertilize it, and nothing happens.The third year you water it and fertilize it, and nothing happens. How discouraging this becomes!The fourth year you water it and fertilize it, and nothing happens. This is very frustrating.The fifth year you continue to water and fertilize the seed and then sometime during the fifth year, the Chinese bamboo tree sprouts and grows ninety feet in six weeks. Don't know about you but Me i would have given up in the second year and moved on to sugarcane (don't always practise what i preach).

Live your life according to your own rules and ideas, accept advice only to further your goal and don't let your beliefs to be diluted by attitudes and popular agenda, but this may be quite difficult as this experiment found.

There was an interesting experiment that started with five monkeys in a cage. A banana hung inside the cage with a set of steps placed underneath it. After a while, a monkey went to the steps and started to climb towards the banana, but when he touched the steps, he set off a spray that soaked all the other monkeys with cold water. Another monkey tried to reach the banana with the same result. It didn't take long for the monkeys to learn that the best way to stay dry was to prevent any monkey from attempting to reach the banana.The next stage of the experiment was to remove the spray from the cage and to replace one of the monkeys with a new one. Of course, the new monkey saw the banana and went over to climb the steps. To his horror, the other monkeys attacked him. After another attempt, he learnt that if he touched the steps, he would be assaulted.Next, another of the original five was replaced with a new monkey. The newcomer went to the steps and was attacked. The previous newcomer joined in the attack with enthusiasm!Then, a third monkey was replaced with a new one and then a fourth. Every time a newcomer approached the steps, he was attacked. Most of the monkeys beating him had no idea why they were not allowed to climb the steps or why they were joining in the beating of the newest monkey.After replacing the fifth monkey, none of the monkeys had ever been sprayed with water. Still, no monkey ever approached the steps. Why not? Because as far as they knew it was the way it had always been done around here.

New year wishes to Lulu, Jny, Cheri, UGgirl, Emi's, Apr9, Nevender, Erique, Angela, Mudamuli, Tamzel, Robyn, Silverbow, Eizzy and all the bloggers who have made my stay in Blogistan a blast.

Surely you didn't expect me to make resolutions, did you?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Don't mean to dampen your spirit.

I just can't get the song out of my head its such a catchy tune as the kind only Akon can churn out, i keep singing it unconsciously even when in the ............the video is well directed and gets u reminiscing about a lost love who used to mean so much but is lost forever. the theme of the video is money cant get u everything, when u have all the money in the world the one thing that will remain elusive is that one true love u cherish the most.

Is it true that obscenely wealthy people have an empty hole in their hearts that can only be filled by a soulmate who is true and committed? that question is directed to Blogsville's tycoon, aint saying no names she knows who she is. If the divorce rate in Hollywood is anything to go by then one can surmise that the rich marry and date for publicity, status and more wealth and end up even more miserable than before.

Just in case i haven't wished u all a merry christmas just remember that i am a certified scroooge the X-mas spirit vanished after S.6 and ever since then the day is just another excuse to binge drink and gate crash parties, i dont give gifts and i dont receive any and i just cant wait for it all to be over so prices for just about everything from a safety pin to a friggin pint can go back to normal. (pauses for breath)

What did you say Lulu? Oh! the new year, now theres a reason to smile, matter of fact am grinning from ear to ear. Out with the old and in with the new, that goes for your pink sweater as well my dear and no am not giving up my faded grey jumper . I have never made a newyears resolution in my life because i don't wanna kid myself and i have no specific goals or objectives, a ship without a sail is how u might describe me, but i've got a pretty good 160h.p. outboard motor

I wanna make up right now na na , i wanna make up right now na na , wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na .......... that's part of the chorus to Akons 'Right here' single.

Happy Holidays amigos.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Live your life paper chasers.

There is an allure about the forbidden that the human mind finds doubly hard to resist. To the human psyche the prohibited and dangerous will always remain like a nagging question to which we desperately seek an answer. From the minute Eve couldn’t find the power to resist taking a bite the whole of humanity was forever afflicted with the same burning desire to venture into the illicit and unknown.

More rules are broken not so much for the profit as for the thrill of going against the establishment or the adventure of doing wrong

To handle a difficult child you sometimes need to tell the kid to do the opposite of what you actually want the child to do - Child psychology101, it’s called reverse psychology and it works like magic because we are rebels by nature, yes, rebels- if you doubt ask Lot’s wife Oh! Right pillars of salt cant speak.

So my dear
Emi’s when your girl uses a different oil rig other than yours to drill her well just remember she still loves you very much, she just had to find out how it felt to cheat on her loving, doting beau.

I've always wondered what it feels like to be high on Marijuana,
Jny25 whose your supplier?
Oops! sorry, didn't mean to let everyone know

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Uganda Yaffe!

A woman takes on her husbands name when married. Her last name is relegated to the rubbish heap of youth the minute she says ‘I do’ but only in Uganda does she lose her first name as well the minute she pops a tot. The second she takes up office in the ministry of maternal affairs she might as well say goodbye to both her maiden names, where in the first instance she became mukyala Erique, when she gives birth to Erique’s brat she becomes mama junior. Even Erique the educated plutocrat will find it hard to remember that she was once the proud bearer of the lovely name Cheri………“Mama junior could u answer the door please”

Only in Uganda do you go through the frustration of having to sit in a boiling hot kamunye in the stifling afternoon heat as passengers slowly board the motorized death trap one by stupid one, all this time the taxi driver not the real driver though is revving the engine and moving the taxi back and forth to give you the impression its about to leave and just when u think the conductor has finally decided its time to leave one halfwit of a taxi broker thumps the car body with his calloused hand sending a signal to the supposed driver meaning ‘passenger ahoy’ "Kamwokya Wandegeya" he yells at the approaching figure- the expected ‘passenger’ happens to be a passerby just going about his business and more precious minutes are wasted, by this time
Lulu is frantic and incensed she curses under her breath but knows that no amount of insults will force the imbeciles to get moving. That’s not even the half of it, when its time for the taxi to finally accelerate for real, the pretend driver jumps out and in sits the real driver but here’s the shocker- three or four ‘passengers’ jump out of the taxi and receive 100 shilling each from the conductor- the nasty buggers were all this time in the employ of the pea sized brain conductor just whiling away in the bloody taxi to make it look occupied so they could dupe you into boarding their tin can. I would like rant about these brokers blocking passengers from boarding a taxi of their choice but I will not risk getting a seizure at this point.

And only in Uganda does a father behead both his twins for money.

It felt good to be back until I read that story in the papers, what a way to end your leave.

I sure as hell missed blogsville.

Love U All

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I just read a few posts from my favorite bloggers that got me thinkin about marriage again(yeah i know yawn yawn) but i just have to go there, petesmama warned 'AIDS kills dont be silly put a rubber on your willy' and Erique was goin' on about all the shit he ought to do before taking the plunge.

Monday was world AIDS day- 1st DEC is the day the world reflects on this killer virus that has threatened to obliterate entire villages, orphaned as well as killed millions of children and contiunues its wanton destruction unabated. On this dayHeads of state promise to spare no resource in eradicating the deadly virus and various stakeholder endlessly preach behavioural and attitude based approaches to combating the disease, you obviously know them by heart just like a bobi wine song that won't go away Wabula ndi Mazi mawanvu Abstain or use a condom E'Kampala wuliomu asiba kiwani know your status get tested for HIV ...........

On 1st DEC I read or did i hear it on the radio--statistics indicate that new infections are higher between married couples than unmarried.

So what does that say about trusting your partner. I guess it means that Ugandans have totally erased the word trust from their vocabulary and if u do intend to get married better take your partner for english lessons as opposed to marriage counselling. Or u might end up at Petesmamas Dad's clinic, Oh! thats right he hasn't got a cure for that Mother *.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Roll the dice!

Why do I find it hard to stray from the topic of relationships? Could be because that’s what human beings are all about. Relationships are the foundation of humanity, from the moment we exit the womb we start wailing for attention and love, we start yearning for that unbreakable mother-child bond that eventually shapes our identity hence determining our destiny.

Which quickly brings me to another interesting subject; Our destiny. What exactly is destiny? In my own understanding it’s the word that holds the secret as to whether we will be rich or poor. The one fear that lies latently beneath the surface of our pleasant or sour personalities is how our fortunes will pan out. We all dread the complex puzzle of working towards prosperity and peace of mind, at least I do, even those that were born with silver spoons up their royal a***s hate the uncertainty that comes with every sunrise.

Our fears and insecurities are reflected in the type of relationships we forge. Many believe that our friends become our friends by virtue of the fact that they share our beliefs and interests which is true but I would like to point out that we also share the same fears and insecurities and misgivings about life as our closest friends and lovers.

In class, the reason the dumb kid avoided the genius was not because they had nothing to talk about, am sure they could talk about lots of stuff like food and football and movies and music, correct me if I’m wrong but geniuses have a force arising from the cool headed and tranquil persona that comes with excess grey matter, in most cases this force repels the dumb and mediocre, they’d rather herd (thanks for the term Angela) with someone who shares their dread of test papers, u don’t need a friend who pulls out a John Grisham 2 hours to an exam in Organic chemistry.

I am no expert in love and judging from the way am rambling certainly no expert in psychology as well, so I will speak for myself and myself only.

In the event that I need to marry, u know settle down, make a home and all that crap, I speak this way because marriage calls for a little bit of financial muscle of which I am still in the gym mugging to attain...........where was I Ah! Yes when push comes to shove and I can’t avoid my mothers scathing remarks any longer I most certainly will not go looking for a girl with a BMW and a six bed roomed house.

That said, my fears are more related to how much a kilo of sugar costs as opposed to the price of diesel which is her primary concern and should I even be bold enough to step up to her and ask her for a date I am sure I might succeed given my wit and charm (not exaggerating here) and I might even be able to foot the bill for dinner at Nawab but with every passing day I will be dreading the moment the words “Insufficient Balance” scream back at me from the ATM screen.

Since I am not the kind who dreams of a Kinigeria story - rich girl falls for broke ass nigger and more importantly not the kind who prefers to wear the skirts in the marriage – I will be on the look out for that cute secretary from Sadolin who usually boards taxis from Hotloaf.

Which reminds me, time to grab a bite, Lucy escort me to Hotloaf.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Do you have her in red with long hair and round eyes...and Oh! yes the manual please.

Getting into a relationship could be likened to finalizing a purchase at the mall. Some times you get stuck with what u obviously don’t need and sometimes u get a brilliant bargain.

The overzealous sales attendant may badger you into buying something at a price you obviously deem to be over the top, but there u are in an upscale establishment with all these classy people checking out at the counter and rather than risk looking like a pauper u give in to a sales pitch and pull out your wallet.

All love relationships have the person that really need the coupling to work and the other party who couldn’t care less if it failed. All relationships have the giver and the taker. The taker is clearly in the relationship for all the wrong reasons and doesn’t really have any emotions vested in it. They don’t care about their partners feelings and make a pretence at being concerned and loving in much the same way you look at the sandwich maker with a seemingly interested expression as the sales attendant points out its finer points, all this time all u are thinking “if u only knew u …” and then u throw another glance towards the out of your league Sony home theatre DVD system read ‘the girl/guy u cant get’

The giver is all too eager to please they can’t believe they have found love at last and would do any thing to hold onto the dream; (including giving u a free egg beater with the sandwich maker in addition to a 5% discount. ) They pinch themselves everyday hoping they don’t wake up. They call all the time, buy expensive gifts and use words like baby and sweetheart like they are going out of fashion. In return they get cancelled appointments, cheap gifts and unreturned calls.

To borrow a phrase " if the preferable isn't available the available becomes preferable" the takers rationalize this decision with arguments like ‘bambi he’s a good man’ or ‘she takes good care of me’ and other phrases that really mean ‘I’d rather be with someone else’

GIVER? TAKER? Which one are you?

Monday, November 24, 2008

We are experiencing technical diffi.....<*"? any inconvinien.....are.....

When the radio went silent last week for three days it was a welcome break from the daily tasks that accompany broadcasting. The techies said they were shifting the transmitter from Nsambya to some other place with a higher altitude called Bandwe.

We all expected the signal to die on Tuesday 18th at around lunchtime so everyone came in to work knowing they would make a pretence of going through their daily routine while keeping an ear out for constant static that would signify "radio off upgrade in progress"

It was a few minutes to 1:00pm and still the signal was loud and clear, so i lethargically gathered what little news i had (little because none of the reporters had not bothered to file any stories coz well u know the radio was about to die and ressurect on the third day) and headed to the studio when the static came.

It's off! is it, Is it off? someone asked while making an attempt to douse his voice with some concern and disappointment at the break in transmission.

You would be amazed at the rate with which the office emptied, youd think we were having a fire alarm drill. Looks like people had made plans, i mean who wouldn't jump at the opportunity.

I spent those three days bored out of my skin coz unlike most fellas i hadn't made any plans, i assumed.. well i would do what i normally do on weekends. What i forgot is that i usually have only Sundays to myself since i work Saturdays as well, so after watching Max Payne and Quantum of solace(didn't finish Quantum) which were both total disappointments i slept through the first day(hoping I'd wake up with Daniel Craig dead and a new bond in his place, the bugger sucks)

On day 2 i headed to the city for lunch, my place is in Kyengera and apart from fries i have never enjoyed a meal at any of the restaurants there. and since i have come to love the food in our cafeteria at work does it come as any surprise that i joined the newspaper guys for lunch?
After which i headed to the empty radio office and ended up staying for the better part of the day playing Scrabble on my computer.

Aside from the Shanita debacle i dont remember what happened on day 3.

My annual leave comes in a weeks time so if this is how i will spend 2 weeks of no work, May the good lord have mercy.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Ever since i could tie my own shoe laces and button up my own shirt, i have not heard one good thing said about Mondays-- that first day of the week or is it the second, where nothing seems to go your way and you just cant seem to shake of the grogginess from a long weekend of fun and frolic.

In school mondays were as dreaded as an unexpected dormitory inspection, or maybe a surprise inspection was more welcome compared to a monday morning mathematics triple lesson of trig, matrices or logarithims --to draw a parallel Mondays come with all the things we loathe like unironed clothes, empty wallets and staff meetings.

So my understanding is our apathy towards this particular day of the week stems not from the fact that we cant get things to work out but instead we just hate having to try.

If we hate monday's then we hate our jobs, if we hate mondays then we despise having to go through the mundane monotonous tasks all over again.

Ronnie who works for a radio station just cant stand the M word, he'd rather recite 6000 hail marys (no offence Catholic folks besides am one too) than come to work on M****y to yup the same ol' "welcome to drivetime my name is................." and play the same old songs punctuated by the same old jingles. You see the reason he loses his show prep on M****ys has nothing to do with a weekend hangover, it has everything to do with an overwhelming reluctance to leave home for yet another week of a boring undertaking.

This also expalains why Lucy had to lose her contacts just before the M****y news bulletin on the big network.

As kids school was more attractive on M****ys only after exams or if the school auditorium was opening for the school play.

So please lets stop Bitchin' about M****y.

Moral: Love your boss's Job

Monday, November 10, 2008


................ I continued to roll over in bed well knowing no one would hear my incessant pleas for mercy that were quietly playing over and over again in my head.

As i lay there curled up in the fetal position i could hear my tormentor circling, the sound of his footsteps sending a sharp stinging pain through my guts as any moment now he would punish me again with one cruel lash of his whip.

I needed desperately to look at this devil who unleashed such grief and misery but every time i peered through my sweat blurred vision he would slither away and disappear as if evaporated.

At least he had left me one mercy -- water! I reached out my hand to where i knew the glass of water would be- on the table next to the bedside lamp. as my fingers coiled around the cold glass i liked my lips in anticipation of the cool welcome drops that would soon wet my parched throat albeit temporarily.

Even as i lifted the glass towards my lips i sensed something amiss the odorless life saving liquid had turned into a stale foul smelling broth--- in horror i realised that i had mistakenly picked up a beer bottle-- a bottle that contained the remains of the deadly brew that had led to my current state of helplessness, the satanic liquor that had left me indisposed and immobile was all i could smell as I shrank away in disgust. --this ungodly drink was the reason i was being punished-- i was finally paying my dues for yesternights transgressions, all the partying and dancing had come with a price.

With my head throbbing and my pulse racing i frantically reached for the water half expecting my tormentor to smash it from my grasp.----- i was certain he was real, lying there in the dark corners of my bedroom, lurking in the shadows as he waited for the opportune moment to send another jolt of pain through my bowels.-- i was certain he was real and not just an alcohol induced hallucination.

As i lay there writhing in agony i made a promise to myself, the same promise i had made countless times before- that i would never touch another bottle of beer as long as i breathed.

Tormentor: yaw right!

Friday, November 7, 2008

We all knew Barack would make it, well at least i knew he would, the signs were all there-what with crashing markets, a disastrous mis-managed war on terror and not to mention the most unpopular sitting head of state since Joseph and Mary sped off with baby Jesus in the general direction of Africa.

I was one of the cynics who never even believed he would make it past the primaries (was rootin' fer the chick Clinton, ya dig) but all prior lack of confidence and belief in a 'Kenyan' to rule the worlds' largest democracy dissipated the moment i closely compared him to his presumed opponent- the aging war veteran was never going to close the gap in the poll ratings-- compared to the Mac our inept, inexperienced Kenyan was as cool as a cucumber, he was the very definition of statesmanship.

I- used to my cynicsm convinced myself that the only reason i admired him was because he was a democrat and that what choice did i have but to tow the party line, even Clinton had swallowed humble pie u see. but deep down i knew that i admired the resonance of his baritone as he gave speech after winning performance speech, i knew that i admired his unrattled demeanor debate after debate and that his choice of rhetoric left me agape.

I was now a fervent convert who hung onto his every word- okay what i am trying to say is that I like the fella too but that not withstanding i would like someone to explain the excessive, over the top, going out of our way, insane, wild and goobleygook jubilation and excitement that met his landslide win.

People breaking down and all just because a black has made it to the highest office in the universe is simply a showy parade of black power and pride, hope u listening jesse and yes you too you overly paid self assured talkshow hostess.

The blacks have come a long way since the civil rights skirmishes of the 60s but surely Obama's win comes as no surprise- who is there to say that minority races haven't been given the freedom to rise and excel and serve in the same capacity as their white peers- despite far right extremist attempts to quell black progress they have shown the ability and skill to conquer insurmountable odds.

So please enough with the hulabaloo already! Get back to work.